I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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