you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
