Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
