Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
