I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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