this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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