After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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