Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
