Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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