Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
