you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
