Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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