So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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