mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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