Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
