I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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