I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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