I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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