Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
