if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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