it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
