me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
