Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Randomize
