I think I won the penis lottery.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How does one acquire holy water?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
