By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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