There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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