i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
