Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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