just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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