Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
