Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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