I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize