I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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