either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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