I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
