I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
