Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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