Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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