if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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