The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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