I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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