I will die if light touches me.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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