She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
