i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
