I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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