I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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