Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
