I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
