It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
