ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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