So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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