Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
