Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
