i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
