...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.