how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!