youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
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I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
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But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"