one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He better not be in your backpack
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
