Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
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She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
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dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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