I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
