So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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